Things I've learned
today:
1.
Facebook does
not exist in China.
2.
If I don’t have
my morning coffee, I get a splitting headache. Ooh, the joys of addiction.
3.
I really miss
sleeping with a pillow.
4.
Caribou coffee
is greater than Starbucks coffee. No
surprise there.
5.
Don’t practice on
the Shigeru Kawai unless you want people to walk into the chapel and stare at
you awkwardly.
Today I’m thinking
about bad habits and what prompts us to continue to practice a bad habit when
it is obviously “bad.” I have many bad
habits, some worse than others, but of all my bad habits, the one that has
stuck with me since childhood is probably the grossest, most annoying of all: I
bite my nails. Yup. Twenty-one year old Kristin bites her
nails. But that’s not all, folks. Not only do I bite my nails, I bite my
fingers, too. Wait, I know what you’re
thinking. What a freak! This grown adult
woman bites her fingers! Does she like
to eat flesh or something? This sounds like one of those bad vampire
movies. What a sicko. It’s not like that, er, exactly. (I suddenly feel extremely vulnerable right
now, admitting this to the entire internet.)
If I have a hangnail, I bite it off and then I start bleeding and then sometimes
I bite the skin around my finger nails because it looks nasty and that makes it
worse. And I look disgusting.
And if that wasn’t
gross enough for ya, my nails are always just little nubs. Long nails are a massive inconvenience for a
pianist, and besides that, I almost never paint my nails, so what’s the point
of growing them out? AND I’VE NEVER EVEN
HAD A MANI-PEDI.
So what’s my deal? It’s not like I actively bite my nails in
public and cry “Resist the patriarchy!!” out in the streets. Some women love to have long, dainty
fingernails that are painted a different shade every day. I get it.
I’m not dissing that. There’s
more than one definition of femininity, especially where nails and hands are concerned. However, there’s a more serious issue hidden
underneath the gender politics of my stubby, unfiled nails and my jagged cuticles. And now I will widen my scope just a
bit: What is it with us humans and
holding on to things that we know are
bad for us? (If this sounds like a vague
or stupid segue way, just hang with me for a minute…)
Since I was a little
girl, my parents have constantly old me to stop biting my nails. I would hear it all of the time, and I still
hear it from my father on occasion. He
hates it. He thinks it makes me look uneducated,
crude, and unfeminine. And maybe he’s
right. After all, that’s what society
thinks. I’m not necessarily saying society
is always right, mind you. But anyway, my point is that this bad habit has been
with me for a long time. I’ve always
known it’s bad for me to bite my nails.
It’s “bad manners.” But more than
that, it’s not sanitary. It’s….
GROSS. But over the years, I’ve found
little ways to hide my bad habit and make it more socially acceptable. For example, I wash my hands compulsively
because I know I’m very likely to bite my nails almost every day. Also, I try to do it when I’m alone or when I
think no one is watching. (Am I ridiculous
or what? Haha.) It
gets especially severe when I’m nervous or anxious about something. Then, biting my nails becomes a sort of
coping mechanism, as weird as that sounds. I do it without even thinking.
I know it’s bad for me
to bite my nails, but I continue to do it after all of these years. Similarly, although not as gross as my
personal illustration, many people – myself included – hang on to habits, or
issues, or people that are inherently bad
for their well-being. Why is this?
Heck, I’m not about to
go all philosophical on you guys. I’m
not capable of such musings. But I will
say this: It seems to me that it is part
of human nature to hold on to things that are bad for us. Or maybe I should revise that statement and say
it is human nature to hold on, period. And
it is also human nature to be incapable of determining whether or not something
is bad for us. And I hate that I’m
using such vague words like “bad” and “something” and “things.” Does anyone get what I’m trying to say?
…Back to my nails. Should I follow my father’s [horrible]
example and dip my fingers in hot sauce – like he actually used to do to me as
a small child – and hope that this will stop me from biting my fingers ever
again? Should I wear gloves 24/7, a la
Elsa from Frozen? (“Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them see….”
AM I RIGHT? I crack myself up). Or should I deliberately chew my nails in defiance?
How do I kick a bad
habit without kicking part of myself out the door in the process? Am I inseparable from the bad habits that I’ve
cultivated? Or am I something altogether
different, something that is lying just underneath the surface of my bad
habits?
I won’t lie and say
that I believe human nature is inherently good.
I don’t. And I know I am a
selfish human being with an agenda and an independent will to get what I want,
as soon as possible. I look for the easy
way out. I lie to myself and
others. My motivation can be pretty twisted. So can I separate myself from my bad
habits? Or am I destined to battle them
forever? Am I doomed to face a lifetime
of stubby nails and unsophisticated hands?
I’m not sure. But my hope
ultimately lies in Something greater than myself. And in that simple fact, I find beauty and
freedom.
“In those days when you pray, I will
listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me. I will be found by you. I will
end your captivity…” – Jeremiah 29:12
“Whatever controls a person, to that he or she is enslaved.” – A very smart person who shall remain
nameless.
It's time for...... *drum roll*....... THE MOST SEXIST PICTURE ON THE INTERNET!!
| Not only is this improper grammar ("a bad habit for letting go"??), it's absolute BS. If I ever find Mr. "Unknown," I'll take him to the edge of a cliff and try to push him off. Then we'll see if he's so quick to "let go"... |
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