JOY

"I figured out that joy is not in your arms,

I know I'll always ache with an empty heart..."

boom. 

Sad Thoughts/Happy Music

In the wake of Robin Williams' death, I have been thinking a lot about depression and suicide and what drives a person to take his/her own life.  These thoughts are weighing heavily on my mind.  Although I have never experienced depression personally, I have several friends who struggle with depression.  Initially, everything seems so... fine.  But those who experience depression are really good at hiding it (at least, in my limited experience, it appears that way.  Forgive me for generalizing).  

These issues are emotionally draining.  I feel so tired after turning these thoughts over in my mind.  It's exhausting.  I just want to understand it.  And perhaps that's only human nature, to want an explanation.  I want to know why people get depressed.  I want to know why people commit suicide.  What drives a person to that point?  I want a concrete answer.  But I'm beginning to realize that there isn't one.  

I'm not going to drag this out any longer.  All I can say is, I'm extremely sad.  And when I'm sad, I like to distract myself with good music.  And I intend to do just that....

Allow me to show you the song of my people: "You're the Cream in my Coffee" performed as a rag (naturally) by Ethan Uslan

On the Christian Obsession with Female Purity

Okay, I'm about to discuss a topic that I'm definitely not qualified to talk about... But it's happening anyway.  So let's do this.

I just read this article that is apparently going viral.  Someone posted it on Facebook and there was a massive argument in the comments section about sex, marriage, and purity pledges in the church.  Instead of wasting an hour of my time carefully composing a lengthy comment that will most likely be quickly analyzed and misunderstood, I decided to write a quick post about it.  This "quick" post turned out to be a 17-paragraph post.  Oops.  While I don't expect my Facebook friend will ever read this, some of the comments were making me SO ANGRY that I feel it is absolutely necessary for my sanity that I express my opinion on the subject.  Whether anyone of consequence reads this is irrelevant.  As a side note, I'm really sorry for using italics in like, every other sentence.  I'm feeling quite passionate. 

The author of the article is extremely intelligent.  She's correct in saying that the church teaches that sex is for marriage; however, she is incorrect in saying that "it was entirely possible that my future husband wouldn't remain pure for me, because he didn't have the same responsibility, according to the Bible." 

Now, I understand that there are some pretty screwed up churches out there.  And all churches are filled with sinners.  I mean, duh?  That's the point.  But anyway, nowhere in the Bible does it say that men are not responsible for their sexual purity.  So, where exactly did this teaching some from?  This sounds like an error in the interpretation and teaching of the Bible at this specific church, rather than an error in Christianity as a whole.  

As a woman living in the modern church, I will admit that the burden of sexual purity is much heavier for women than it is for men.  And that is definitely a double standard.  However, this double standard is the result of a very real sexism in the church that most people will deny.  It's true, though, and it's especially prevalent in conservative denominations like Southern Baptist.  When women in the church do something other than help cook for the potluck or teach children's Bible school, people freak out. When a woman becomes an ordained minister, the church cringes. When these little bits of sexism sneak into church doctrine, it's easy to say, "Christianity is stupid and sexist.  So why even bother?"  I posit that it is not the Bible and its teachings that are sexist, but the patriarchal system in which Christianity is primarily practiced.  (Anyone reading this can feel free to disagree with me - just comment and tell me why!)

Anyway, let me come back to the article... the author complains that the church basically turned her off to sex and anything remotely sexual - even sex with her husband, whom she "waited" for.  Obviously, the liberal world takes this as an incredible injustice.  "The church doesn't own this woman's body! Neither does her husband.  Only she owns her body.  Why should she have to wait to have sex?  It's her choice."  

I believe that the author's main point - that the church, generally speaking, associates sex and the erotic with fear, guilt, and hell - is a valid concern.  It's like this:  If you grow up in the church like I did, you are essentially told that sex is bad.  No one talks about sex in the church, except to say "Don't do this ever.  You'll blow up!!" and then, in a small whisper, they add, "But it's okay if you're married.... I guess."  Rather than focusing on how absolutely awful sex is if you're unmarried, perhaps the church should focus more on the incredible gift that sex is, in the proper context. If you've ever read Song of Songs, you'll understand what I mean.  I completely agree that it's unrealistic for the church to expect young people to be absolute prudes and abhor the very thought of sex until *BAM* you're suddenly married and 100% ready to embrace sex.

It truly saddens me that the author had such an awful experience because of the messed-up church she attended as a child.  However, her implied conclusion is disturbing: that if she had sex earlier (before she got married), she wouldn't have become so averse to sex.  She blames the church for ruining sex for her, for making her feel guilty and dirty every time she has sex.  But she claims that if she had had more sex, she would be more comfortable having it and thus feel more satisfied overall in her married sex life. I'm not sure I understand her logic.  Wouldn’t more sex with other people only cheapen the value of such intimacy with her eventual husband?

Now, in my lowly and inexperienced state, I'm definitely not qualified to talk about this sort of thing.  But I do firmly believe that my body is mine and it does not belong to the church, or my future husband, or anyone else except God himself.  My virginity is not necessarily part of my identity.  But I can totally understand this woman's feelings about losing her identity once she was married.

My parents’ marriage isn’t the best example of what a Christian marriage ought to be, in terms of the physical.  They never kiss and they never touch each other, or if they do, it’s not in front of anyone.  Maybe the transition from purity pledge-mindset to marriage-mindset would be a lot easier if the church emphasized the benefits of sex within a “safe,” committed marriage.  And yes, I do think that my parents’ generation of Christians is overly prude and continually associates sex with evil and sin – even within the context of marriage.  And that’s rather unfortunate, considering God made our bodies incredibly responsive to physical touch.  This is to be enjoyed within the context of a healthy, committed marriage relationship.   That’s the way it was originally intended. 

This topic is important to me because I, like the author, took a pledge of purity when I was in young.  I vividly remember putting on the tiny silver ring for the first time and reading some important verses from the Bible with my mom.  In fact, I picked out the ring and ordered it myself.  No, my father didn’t give the ring to me, and no, I didn’t get it from a boyfriend.  It was my decision, and guess what?  It’s still my decision. 

It has a rose on it... GET IT?!

This purity pledge is not as cult-ish as it sounds.  It's a promise born out of a sincere desire to remain a virgin until you are ready to enter into a lifetime union with another person.  Nobody forces you to make a purity pledge (at least, not at my church).  You don't make a purity pledge to prevent yourself from going to hell.  You save sex for that one person in order to cement the union in a way that you have never done with any other person.  It's a special thing.  It's not... cheap.  It's also a way to protect yourself from emotional and possibly physical harm. 

But the purity pledge mentality is seriously flawed.  Like the author of the article mentions, the purity pledge encourages young women to believe that God is creating a perfect fairy tale marriage for her while she maintains her promise of abstinence.  A young girl wants very desperately to believe in fairy tales.  “If you would only just stay pure, God will reward you with a great marriage.”  First of all, that’s not how God works.  He doesn’t give us what we deserve; he gives us what we don’t deserve.  He treats us with grace and forgiveness.  He is not your Jewel Osco rewards card.  He doesn’t give you points for doing the “right” thing.  And besides, I’ve seen far too many problems in my parents’ marriage and in other Christian marriages to believe that Christian marriage is fairy tale material.

Exhibit A: This is the "God-is-writing-me-a-perfect-fairy-tale-love-story" lie that every Christian girl believes in.

So after all of this waiting, then what? ……. He better be one hell of a guy, God, I used to think to myself.  Well, guess what?  Having sex is not a demoralizing experience.  God didn’t design us to be ashamed of our bodies and our sexuality.  He created that!  You can be spiritual and sexual at the same time, in the context of a healthy, committed marriage.  Personally, I think my spirituality and my sexuality are the two most intimate parts of me.  (That’s probably the weirdest sentence I’ve ever written. Ever.)   So why wouldn’t I reserve those two things for my spouse?  I know it’s easy for me to say all of this because, y’know, I’m not married.  But I hope to be one day, and this is where I stand right now. 

The author claims that, because of her extremely negative experience with the church, she is “convinced that the entire concept of virginity is used to control female sexuality.”  I think that, to some extent, she may be right.  Before you jump out of your pew to throw your Bible at me, hear me out:  by placing so much emphasis on female purity, and comparatively less emphasis on male purity, the church is implying that women are more responsible for remaining pure. 

Unlike the author of this article, I made the “purity” decision on my own, when I fourteen years old and perfectly able to understand what I was doing.  It seems to me that the author intends to criticize her specific church and/or denomination for forcing her to make a pledge at so young an age, and also for reinforcing stereotypical gender roles in the church (i.e. women can't be sluts, but men can sleep around because it's a good Christian woman's job to forgive her husband and satisfy his sexual needs).  Either way, I think the author's conclusion - that religion is pointless and all church-goers are nothing but prude hypocrites - is a) too extreme and b) not a fair representation of the entire church-going population.

I want to close this post with an illustration that I think is so so so damaging to young Christian girls.  When I was in my preteens, I used to get this Christian girl’s magazine.  One day, I read a story in the magazine that was very obviously meant to be a parable.  In this story, several girls were bringing gifts for their husbands on their wedding day.  Each present was beautifully wrapped and decorated, and each girl’s present was described in detail.  Then, there was a girl who had a present that didn’t look so great.  It was kinda ripped and the wrapping was coming off in some places and the bow was lopsided.  Apparently, the people behind this Christian girl’s magazine thought this would be a good metaphor for sexual purity.  Girls, it’s obvious that your purity is the only valuable thing that you can bring to a marriage.  But once you’ve lost your virginity, you are equivalent to a nasty, half-opened present.  You are damaged goods.  You are basically re-gifting yourself.  Do you want your husband to open that nasty gift?   

I cannot even tell you how profoundly this affected me.  As a young, impressionable girl, I totally ate this stuff up.  Hell, no.  I will not give my future husband a nasty, used gift.  I will take the high road and be a virgin.  Well, the scare tactic certainly worked on me.  But I didn’t realize until much later the damaging effects of the present metaphor.  The story had nothing to say about God’s redeeming grace and love.  When we mess up, God forgives us.  And that’s the entire point of grace.  Furthermore, the present illustration sends the wrong message about a woman’s role in Christian marriage.  What about the man’s present?  Does that even matter?  Why doesn’t the church talk about male purity more often?  Or are they just so much better than women that they don’t need to be told as often?  As a grown woman, I now realize that I am not a literal present for my future husband.  I am worth so much more than the status of my sexual purity.  But I didn’t know that as a girl.  And that’s really screwed up, if you’ll excuse the pun. 

Wow. I cannot believe I just wrote that much about the church and marriage and sex and my virginity, haha. I guess I really don't care.  Call me naive, but I'm very sure of my opinion on these things. This thing dragged on waaaay longer than I expected.  Anyway, toodles.

83 Things I Will Teach My Daughter

Recently, a friend of mine shared a post on Facebook entitled 101 Things I Will Teach My Daughter.  Slightly intrigued, I clicked on the post, curious to discover these 101 important things that my friend wants to teach her future daughter.  The link in the post took me to a trendy blog called "Daydreaming in Ink."  The author of the blog lists 101 cute but cliche points that she hopes to teach her future daughter.  Her list includes: "The most beautiful thing you can do is smile" and "Don't smile if you don't mean it" and "Develop a voice, and make it loud" and "Go to a music festival at least once."  I smiled as I read through these trite bits of advice on girlhood and growing up.  

Prompted by my dissatisfaction with the list from "Daydreaming in Ink," I decided to write my own list that doesn't include tired cliches like "Dance like a maniac in your room with your headphones in."  Unlike the list from "Daydreaming in Ink," most of the items on my list aren't taken directly from a Taylor Swift song.  Life is messy.  If my daughter is smart, she will realize that "Don't smile if you don't mean it" is pretty unrealistic advice.  So here's a list that I hope is a bit more... realistic.  


~83 Things I Will Teach My Daughter~

1.  The most beautiful thing you can do is help someone else.  Serving others teaches us to be compassionate and humble.  Develop a servant's heart and you will be beautiful to everyone you meet.

2.  Don't just develop a voice, develop a voice that speaks truth.  Everyone has a voice these days.  Don't just add to the noise.  Speak truth and speak life by using encouraging words.  

3.  Before you complete number 2, develop ears to listen.  Only a fool utters everything on her mind.  A wise person listens first, then speaks carefully. 

4.  Jealousy is crippling.  When you experience jealousy (and you will), don't feed your jealousy.  Avoid it if you can.

5.  Never compromise your values to be with someone (friends, family, significant other, etc.).

6.  Go to church at least once a week, even if you only go halfheartedly.   

7.  Don't go to church alone.  Bring friends/family or make friends while you're at church.  

8.  You can be a Christian and a feminist at the same time.  Don't let anyone tell you that Jesus isn't a feminist.  He is!

9.  And don't settle for a partner who is afraid to call himself a feminist.

10.  Even if a man buys you flowers, or a movie ticket, or dinner, or THE FREAKING MOON, you do not owe him anything.  And the reverse is also true.

11.  Travel as much as you can.  Explore internationally, nationally, and everywhere else.  

12.  Travel with an open mind and an open heart.  You never know who you will meet or what you will learn about other places and cultures.

13.  Never forget your first love.  Learn from your mistakes.

14.  Catcalls are NOT compliments. 

15.  Don't wear too much perfume.  That's annoying.

16.  Find an activity you love and pursue it with all of your heart.  Whether it's a hobby or a future career goal, be passionate about something that can positively change your life.

17.  Play an instrument or sing.  Nothing compares to the joy that is making music.

18.  Your size/age/appearance does not determine your worth.  God determines your worth.  And you are incredibly loved by God and me.

19.  Chances are, you're probably going to be tall because I'm tall.  So.... WEAR THE HEELS.  Height doesn't matter.  Who cares if you're taller than a boy?  Tall women are where it's at. 

20.  If you don't like heels, that's cool, too.

21.  Please, read Pride and Prejudice.  And Jane Eyre.  And Shakespeare.  And... well, all of the classics, really.  You will be well-read and you will like it.

22a.  Maintain high standards.  Having sex with someone before you're married only leads to heartbreak and really screwed up expectations.  The wait is worth it.  And if your partner respects you and values you, he will wait.  It's not old-fashioned and it's not out of style.  It's called commitment.  

22b.  Sex before marriage isn't the only way you can "go too far."  Don't become too emotionally involved with someone, at least until you're out of high school.  If someone tries to manipulate your emotions in order to be with you, that's unhealthy.

23.  You don't have to buy into all of the latest trends.  Avoid the trashy look.  Less is more.

24.  By "less is more," I mean the simpler you dress, the better.  I didn't mean less actual clothing is more.   Keep it classy. ;)

25.  If he feels emasculated by your success or your job, don't waste your time on him.

26.  Write songs or poetry or short stories or spoken word or paint or draw or ________.  Just create something.

27.  High school prom is seriously overrated.  

28.  But you should still go with all of your friends and have a great time and make fun memories!!!!!

29.  On that note, high school is not the best time of your life.

30.  ...... College is!

31.  You won't marry the first person you date.  So keep that in mind when you start dating.

32.  Find a best friend who is a) a girl and b) makes you laugh so hard that you pee yourself.

33.  If you lose touch with a dear friend, don't give up on the friendship.  Chances are, you will reconnect in the future.  Keep your heart open.  

34.  Don't burn bridges.  Keep a good attitude with all of your employers and, if you leave a job, leave on a positive note. Oh, and always attempt to make a good first impression. :)

35.  Don't hold grudges.  Holding a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.  

36.  Wake up early and get stuff doooone.  Mornings are the best.

37.  Drink coffee, but not every day.  Then you'll get caffeine headaches. :(

38.  Being classy is NEVER overrated.  Don't let anyone convince you otherwise.

39.  Some people will dislike you for no reason.  Don't let that get you down.  Kill 'em with kindness

40.  You have to learn Gravity by Sara Bareilles.  Then we can sing it together over and over again.  I can't wait! :)

41.  Laugh often and laugh at yourself.  It's okay.

42.  Don't be afraid of change.  Change can be a good thing.

43.  Challenge yourself in school, specifically in your area(s) of interest.  Stay motivated.

44.  Learn to see the beauty in everything, every person, every situation.  Despite the sin of this world, God creates beauty.  It's really quite amazing.

45.  Joy is not found in another person's arms.  It never will be.  Joy is found in Christ.

46.  Just because you feel something very strongly, that doesn't make it right or true. You might feel like you are worthless, but that just isn't true.  In the same way, you might feel that you are in love, but you might not be.  Use your head and be logical.   Don't trust your emotions too often.

47.  However, learn to balance your head and your heart.  You need to feel pain and compassion and sadness and loneliness and happiness and love and lust and emptiness in order to know the intensity of different emotions.  This will help you learn what is right and what is wrong.

48.  Be confident, but not cocky.  Believe in yourself.

49.  Go camping and hiking.  Enjoy God's creation.  

50.  Go barefoot in the summer.

51.  If a guy talks to you in cliches, get outta there ASAP.

52.  You will have a bad haircut at least once.  It's gonna be okay, though, because hair grows back.

53.  You will be required to watch musicals with me, including Singin' in the Rain, Oklahoma, Fiddler on the Roof, and The Music Man.

54.  It's okay to have doubts about your faith.  Be open and be honest.  

55.  I want you to go skinny dipping with your girlfriends.  Okay?  Sorry for being cliche.  But you won't regret this one, I promise! :)

56.  It's okay if you don't like dolls, or dress-up, or jewelry, or dresses.  It's also okay if you DO like those things.  There isn't one definition of femininity.   

57.  If you can't wear sweatpants and go makeup-less in front of your friends and/or partner, you're hanging out with the wrong people. 

58.  Play a sport -- even if you suck at it.  

59.  You could always try running/jogging.  That way, you are competing with yourself and no one else. ;)

60.  The "bad boy" type is not all that he's cracked up to be... he may be exciting but he leaves you in a second for the next best thing.

61.  The "good Christian boy" type isn't that great either.  He's actually really dumb and boring, to be honest.

62.  Don't date a musician.

63.  If you spend more than 1 hour on social media sites each day, you're not living.

64.  Food tastes good.  So it's okay to like food and to like eating.  That's not unfeminine and that's not unattractive.  It's natural.  Don't let anyone shame you for giving your body what it needs.  And don't let anyone convince you that you need to deprive your body of nutrients.

65.  Being a Christian doesn't mean you can't drink, or dance, or go out, or listen to secular music, or read popular fiction, or watch movies.

66.  Don't ever get drunk.

67.  If you happen to be drunk, don't send any texts.... trust me on this one.

68.  You should have at least two dresses that make you feel like a queen.

69.  Find friends who will stick with you through the good, bad, and in-between.  This is extremely difficult to do. I don't have a fool-proof plan for finding this sort of friend, but I know it involves prayer.

70.  Unrequited love is just as valid as any other type of love.  It's just as electrifying and overwhelming.  But realize that you can't be with someone who doesn't appreciate you.  Never chase anyone.  A person who wants to be with you will walk with you.

71.  People love to share their scar stories. If you dread sharing yours, that's probably because your scar is not a scar at all, but still a wound.

72.  Prefer flowers in your hair rather than diamonds around your neck.

73.  You don't have to attend every argument you're invited to.

74.  Never underestimate the power of a kidney punch - it'll knock the wind outta anyone.

75.  Believe in God, even when God is silent.

76.  Proofread your texts and emails and letters and PROOFREAD AGAIN.

77.  Every single day you will walk past people who have experienced immense tragedy. Try to think of people as story books.  Each one has an individual story with complexities and a different point of view.  It's overwhelming to think about life in this way, but it has helped me learn to see people in a more compassionate way.  Perhaps it will help you do the same.

78.  I would like it if you would watch  the Pirates of the Caribbean films (NOT the third one - it sucks).  Then we can quote the entire movie to each other.  Such fun.  

79.  The grapefruit diet is never a good idea. It just doesn't work. 

80.  Doing something "like a girl" is never a bad thing.  If someone says you throw a ball "like a girl," accept the compliment! ;)

81.  Go thrifting frequently.  Don't be ashamed to shop at Goodwill!

82.  Support women's rights.  Support equal opotunities for women and men (and all people in general).  But don't believe the lie that you have the right to kill a precious life that you helped create.  Abortion is wrong.  

82.  Pray every single day.

83.  You will always be loved.

Nail Biting and Other Bad Habits

Things I've learned today:

1.      Facebook does not exist in China.

2.      If I don’t have my morning coffee, I get a splitting headache. Ooh, the joys of addiction.

3.      I really miss sleeping with a pillow.

4.      Caribou coffee is greater than Starbucks coffee.  No surprise there.

5.      Don’t practice on the Shigeru Kawai unless you want people to walk into the chapel and stare at you awkwardly.

Today I’m thinking about bad habits and what prompts us to continue to practice a bad habit when it is obviously “bad.”  I have many bad habits, some worse than others, but of all my bad habits, the one that has stuck with me since childhood is probably the grossest, most annoying of all: I bite my nails.  Yup.  Twenty-one year old Kristin bites her nails.  But that’s not all, folks.  Not only do I bite my nails, I bite my fingers, too.  Wait, I know what you’re thinking.  What a freak!  This grown adult woman bites her fingers!  Does she like to eat flesh or something? This sounds like one of those bad vampire movies.  What a sicko.  It’s not like that, er, exactly.  (I suddenly feel extremely vulnerable right now, admitting this to the entire internet.)  If I have a hangnail, I bite it off and then I start bleeding and then sometimes I bite the skin around my finger nails because it looks nasty and that makes it worse.  And I look disgusting. 

And if that wasn’t gross enough for ya, my nails are always just little nubs.  Long nails are a massive inconvenience for a pianist, and besides that, I almost never paint my nails, so what’s the point of growing them out?  AND I’VE NEVER EVEN HAD A MANI-PEDI. 

So what’s my deal?  It’s not like I actively bite my nails in public and cry “Resist the patriarchy!!” out in the streets.  Some women love to have long, dainty fingernails that are painted a different shade every day.  I get it.  I’m not dissing that.  There’s more than one definition of femininity, especially where nails and hands are concerned.    However, there’s a more serious issue hidden underneath the gender politics of my stubby, unfiled nails and my jagged cuticles.  And now I will widen my scope just a bit:  What is it with us humans and holding on to things that we know are bad for us?  (If this sounds like a vague or stupid segue way, just hang with me for a minute…)

Since I was a little girl, my parents have constantly old me to stop biting my nails.  I would hear it all of the time, and I still hear it from my father on occasion.  He hates it.  He thinks it makes me look uneducated, crude, and unfeminine.  And maybe he’s right.  After all, that’s what society thinks.  I’m not necessarily saying society is always right, mind you. But anyway, my point is that this bad habit has been with me for a long time.  I’ve always known it’s bad for me to bite my nails.  It’s “bad manners.”  But more than that, it’s not sanitary.  It’s…. GROSS.  But over the years, I’ve found little ways to hide my bad habit and make it more socially acceptable.  For example, I wash my hands compulsively because I know I’m very likely to bite my nails almost every day.  Also, I try to do it when I’m alone or when I think no one is watching.  (Am I ridiculous or what?  Haha.)   It gets especially severe when I’m nervous or anxious about something.  Then, biting my nails becomes a sort of coping mechanism, as weird as that sounds.  I do it without even thinking.

I know it’s bad for me to bite my nails, but I continue to do it after all of these years.  Similarly, although not as gross as my personal illustration, many people – myself included – hang on to habits, or issues, or people that are inherently bad for their well-being. Why is this? 

Heck, I’m not about to go all philosophical on you guys.  I’m not capable of such musings.  But I will say this:  It seems to me that it is part of human nature to hold on to things that are bad for us.  Or maybe I should revise that statement and say it is human nature to hold on, period.  And it is also human nature to be incapable of determining whether or not something is bad for us.   And I hate that I’m using such vague words like “bad” and “something” and “things.”  Does anyone get what I’m trying to say? 

…Back to my nails.  Should I follow my father’s [horrible] example and dip my fingers in hot sauce – like he actually used to do to me as a small child – and hope that this will stop me from biting my fingers ever again?  Should I wear gloves 24/7, a la Elsa from Frozen?  (“Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them see….” AM I RIGHT?  I crack myself up).  Or should I deliberately chew my nails in defiance? 

How do I kick a bad habit without kicking part of myself out the door in the process?  Am I inseparable from the bad habits that I’ve cultivated?  Or am I something altogether different, something that is lying just underneath the surface of my bad habits? 

I won’t lie and say that I believe human nature is inherently good.  I don’t.  And I know I am a selfish human being with an agenda and an independent will to get what I want, as soon as possible.  I look for the easy way out.  I lie to myself and others.  My motivation can be pretty twisted.  So can I separate myself from my bad habits?  Or am I destined to battle them forever?  Am I doomed to face a lifetime of stubby nails and unsophisticated hands?  I’m not sure.  But my hope ultimately lies in Something greater than myself.  And in that simple fact, I find beauty and freedom. 

“In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me.  I will be found by you.  I will end your captivity…” – Jeremiah 29:12

“Whatever controls a person, to that he or she is enslaved.”  – A very smart person who shall remain nameless.  

It's time for...... *drum roll*....... THE MOST SEXIST PICTURE ON THE INTERNET!!

Not only is this improper grammar ("a bad habit for letting go"??), it's absolute BS.  If I ever find Mr. "Unknown," I'll take him to the edge of a cliff and try to push him off. Then we'll see if he's so quick to "let go"... 

Malfunction

Today I have a lot on my mind, and nothing on my heart.  In fact, words and music may be all I ever have room for in my tiny, heavily-armored, unfeeling heart. And I'm just fine with that.

Here's a song I'm trying to learn.  Leave it to Chopin to write an incredibly beautiful theme in the first half of the piece, only to casually repeat it in the second half of the piece IN G FLAT. 

Faith and the Feminist Movement

This is basically a re-blog because I'm lazy. So I'll keep my bit short and sweet. 

I completely agree with this article and I have some serious respect for its author, who does not denounce faith and spirituality, but focuses instead on the problem of the "male-centric" world.  Educate yourselves! I'm not one for labels, but if I identify as a  "Christian feminist"  (and I do), please know that is not an oxymoron. This secular author deals with the topic of faith and feminism in a way that is so liberating! I only wish more people thought this way.  

Here's the full link to the article:   

http://everydayfeminism.com/2013/05/feminism-and-faith/?utm_content=bufferc8bc1&utm_medium=social&utm_source=facebook.com&utm_campaign=buffer

I&M Canal Adventures

What has four wheels, two sets of legs, one umbrella, and is soaking wet?  Lexi and I on our 18 mile bike ride today!

What started out as a sticky and humid but otherwise ordinary summer day turned into a crazy adventure when Lexi and I decided to ride our bikes along the I&M Canal Trail.  We packed snacks, water, and sunscreen.  Thankfully, I brought along an umbrella just in case we weren't back home by noon, which was when the forecast showed scattered showers and thunderstorms.  And it's a good thing I did bring that along, because we eventually ended up in stranded in Channahon during a storm!  

After biking for nearly two hours, we stopped to catch our breath and eat some food at the lock bridge at a park in Channahon.  I was falling pretty far behind Lexi because the front tire of my bike was losing air.  So we stopped and while I inspected the flat tire, Lexi found a nice quiet place to eat by the water.  It wasn't long before the wind started to pick up and it began to drizzle.  Now, I'm not the kind of girl who is afraid to get her hair wet - especially after sweating through a long bike ride.  We both welcomed the refreshing rain.  But after about twenty minutes, the light rain turned into a downpour.  I had my umbrella out, but that wasn't enough for the two of us.  So we screamed and laughed and ran for cover.  We hid in this lovely little natural shelter created by a group of trees stooping over the river bank.  I'm pretty sure fairies live there.  

Anyway, after hiding in this wooded place for a bit, I told Lexi I wished she were a man because this was probably the single most romantic moment of my life right here.  Just picture it:  I'm sitting there, soaking wet, hiding in a magical tree haven, waiting for the rain to stop.  This is like Disney princess material.  All I needed was a dude to sit with me, keep me warm, and do all the cliche things couples do in the rain (whatever that is, haha).  

Unfortunately - or maybe fortunately? - the romantic mood was lost almost immediately after I expressed my desire for Lexi to be a man.  I think tornado sirens generally tend to change any mood, whether romantic or otherwise.  But once that siren went off, we started to freak out.  

At this point, Lexi made the mature decision to call for help.  She called Joel, a friend of hers who lives in Channahon, and thankfully he came to our rescue.  Joel is notorious for his very... um, anti-feminist views of women.  I mean, he's a pastor after all.   We can't fault him too much for that, I suppose.  But anyway, he jokingly said it's a shame that we couldn't go out on a bike ride without calling a man to "save" us.  Har har har.  Touche, Joel.  Next time we're stranded, I'll be sure to call my mother. -__-

While waiting for him, we hid our bikes in the brush and ran to the outhouse to stay dry.  When Joel finally came, he brought a massive tarp for us to hide under, which was kinda cute and funny and ridiculous because we were already drenched... but it was a nice gesture.  

Joel is a youth pastor, and he let us hid our bikes in the shed of a nearby church where he used to work.  But we had to come back with Lexi's car to pick up the bikes after the storm passed.  You better believe we fit two adult sized bikes into her tiny little Toyota Camry.  HECK YEAH. <<<< GIRL POWER >>>>

After that, we hung out at the Joliet library for a bit.  That's the proper way to wind down after a long bike ride - with a great friend by your side and a great book in your hand. :)

What is the moral of this story, you ask?  There are several:

- Always check the weather forecast before a bike ride (this includes checking the forecast for your hometown and any other towns you plan to ride through)

- If you have friends, you should probably own a large umbrella.  If you don't have friends, then small umbrellas aren't an issue. Lucky you.

- Don't call men for help... they will rub it in your face for all of time.

- You can fit at least two bikes in a little car.

- Being soaking wet is only fun if you're with your best friend and food.

Summer Reading List 2014

"And summer's lease hath all too short a date..."

SUMMER HATH ARRIVED.

What's my favourite part of summer?  Reading whatever I want to read, whenever I want to read it, and without any deadlines!! Wheeeee!!

I present the 2014 edition of Kristin's Summer Reading List:

(these are in no particular order)

Ragtime - E.L. Doctorow 

Love Medicine - Louise Erdrich 

On the Road - Jack Kerouac 

Arrow of God - Chinua Achebe 

Invisible Man - Ralph Ellison 

Me Talk Pretty One Day - David Sedaris 

The Goldfinch - Donna Tartt

The Autobiography of an Ex-Coloured Man - James Waldon Johnson

Music Pick for Finals Week

Hozier - From Eden

I always have the impulse to start writing a novel during week 10.  Maybe that's because I've spent the majority of the term writing literary analyses and crying my eyes out over the insane amount of reading I have to do... I digress.  I really need to write something creative to balance out all of the madness that has been happening lately.  But I can't start that until I've written the last of my final essays (about 20 pages to go!!).

Anyway, here's some new music for the week.  Hozier is an Irish musician with a really chill, folksy-gospel-blues-soul vibe to his music.  He uses lots of religious metaphors, something I always find fascinating in any genre.  Take Me To Church is one of my current favourites from his EP.  He uses the female pronoun "she/her" to represent a kind of saviour, which is a really interesting critique of the romantic.  Here's a quote from a recent interview: 

“I found the experience of falling in love or being in love was a death, a death of everything. You kind of watch yourself die in a wonderful way, and you experience for the briefest moment – if you see yourself for a moment through their eyes – everything you believed about yourself gone. In a death-and-rebirth sense.”

Hot dang.  Death and rebirth.  So deep.  His lyrics are pretty dark, but I really dig the sound.  Listen!  In the meantime, I've got some serious academic writing to do.  I'll be back when the storm blows over...

Hozier - Angel of Small Death

Music and Musings on Achebe's essay "An Image of Africa"

Look! My two favourite instruments! I love Finzi. The Five Bagatelles has a kind of folksy feel to it, which is fun and very different from other pieces I've played.  My favourite of the bagatelles is "Romance."

.........

I have just finished reading Chinua Achebe's essay on Joseph Conrad's Heart of Darkness.  The essay is entitled "An Image of Africa: Racism in Conrad's Heart of Darkness."  I'm a bit troubled by Achebe's argument, or, mainly, his assertion that Conrad's novella should not considered a work of art because of the "obvious racism."  Conrad's writing reflects the British imperialist values of the society from which he comes. Why should we assume that Conrad would have the values of our society if he doesn't come from our society?  While I understand Achebe's argument and I agree that HoD is racist in its description of Africa and its people, I think that it is foolish to claim the text should not be considered "a great work of art." Conrad's power and significance as a writer cannot be ignored. 

 Do we dismiss all pre-civil rights movement texts as not worth reading because they contain racism?  Are these works less valuable because of that?  I would argue that Conrad's novella is indeed a work of art, as evidenced by the fact that it is still studied today in many different contexts and by many different scholars. It is interesting to study precisely because it paints such a negative portrait of Africa. We can learn so much from this text about how narrow-minded and opinionated the white European world was (and arguably still is).

This also raises the question "What makes a great work of art?"  Does art need to be flawless in order for it to be considered "great"?  And what constitutes "great" anyway?  It seems to me that Achebe is suggesting that art must be free from bias.  This is literally impossible.  Human beings are a product of their environment.  Consequently, any art that a human creates will be influenced by his/her individual experience and resulting biases. 

Something else to consider: What if Conrad's work is actually a critique of imperial Britain? I don't have the time or energy to hash that out on this blog, but I hope anyone who reads Achebe's essay will take these things into consideration after reading his one-sided argument.