Out on the Edge

The past few hours have been a whirlwind of activity and a roller coaster of emotion.  I cannot even believe how fortunate I am to have such an incredible opportunity neatly placed at my doorstep; and yet, I am already having doubts and anxiety about next fall.  Where do I begin?  How do I express the level of absolute unworthiness that I possess for the task ahead?   Blessings are just blessings.  Grace is getting what I don’t deserve.  God provides and is faithful to even their most rebellious children.  But it’s so difficult to understand. 

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All my life, I’ve been told that I’ll never do anything with an English degree.

Them: You know that degree is useless without a teaching certificate, right?

Me: Well, I don’t think public education is for me…

Them: Oh, so you wanna be a starving artist, eh?

Me: *nervous laughter* Um, no, I actually really like food.

Them: So what are you gonna do with that degree?

Me: Use it to fan myself while I lay on the beaches of Mexico, sipping a margarita, I suppose. (??)

I’m not sure why, but I feel the need to prove myself.  To myself.  Does that even make sense?  People talk about dreams as if dreams are meant to stay dreams forever.  Dreams are part of identity.  Yet here I am, my dream about to become a reality, and suddenly I doubt my identity.  Do I possess the skill set that they require?  Do I really have any talent in this area?  What if I get there and I hate it?

I want to stand as close to the edge as I can without going over.  Out on the edge you see all the kinds of things you can’t see from the center. ~Kurt Vonnegut

I’m not doing this for my parents.  God knows they would rather I stay home, tucked neatly away in some quaint Chicago suburb for the rest of my life, content with a mediocre 9-5 job, a bland Christian husband (who will materialize out of thin air), and a decidedly middle-class life.  It may sound like I’m bashing that life.  I’m not.  That’s how I grew up.  That’s the life I’ve always known.  The predictable, average, run-of-the-mill, ever-unremarkable life with which many people are content. 

And someday I will be content with that.  But not today.  Not now.  Not at this age, this time, this me. This Kristin is not going to live in the center.  How can I?  I crave the unseen life.  I want to see things from the edge. 

There is so much of this world that I haven’t experienced.  I hate to sound like a naive, restless young person.  And maybe that is all that I am.  Maybe I will leave next fall and come back a completely changed person in the summer.  Maybe I will go and come back and feel that it was a waste.  I don't know.  But part of the thrill lies in the mystery.  I don't know what I'm meant to do in this life.  God has not yet revealed that to me.  But it's getting clearer and clearer every day.  

Here's what I know: God has picked this path for me travel.  And so I will travel with a willing and thankful heart, a joyful song in my head, and an open mind. 

Creature

"I wasn't actually in love, but I felt a sort of tender curiosity." 

Finals Music Pick and Update

Freaking George.  He gets me.  This is one of my favorites from his Montana album.  It's super short, but you really have to listen to it in the context of the entire album to understand his musical intent. 


After seeing George Winston live in concert last December, I have developed a new appreciation for the heartfelt and amazingly homey quality of his music.  He describes himself as a "folk pianist," and, man, I really dig that. Besides the fact that he is musically gifted, he is a very compassionate human; nearly all of his concerts are benefits concerts.  Totally cool.  And he was about as chill as you can get in concert.  He would literally play a simple harmony and just embellished it for, like, almost fifteen minutes. It was so obvious to me that he just gets lost in his music, maybe even to a fault.  But I loved watching him, even if his improvisations got to be a little long. Wish I had that passion and stamina.


After this week is over, I will be SO very happy.  I feel like I have been stretched to the limit this term. Even though my classes aren't that difficult, I am plugging away at my thesis every week - something I definitely enjoy, don't get me wrong! - yet I am struggling to find motivation as spring break approaches. 


Today, I played in my final piano honors recital at NCC.  I can't believe how well it went, considering my awful performance anxiety.  My heart was heavy for many reasons, but I felt a sudden burst of inspiration and self-confidence right before I went up to perform.  I kept thinking This is it.  This is your last time performing in this special recital, with these special people.  Make it count.  

When I went up to the piano, my hands weren't shaking like they normally do!  I pretended that I was alone in the hall, playing for myself and no one else.  It was a great mind trick, and I honestly don't know why I haven't used it before. I am so thankful that it went well and that I can continue to honor God through music.