Out on the Edge

The past few hours have been a whirlwind of activity and a roller coaster of emotion.  I cannot even believe how fortunate I am to have such an incredible opportunity neatly placed at my doorstep; and yet, I am already having doubts and anxiety about next fall.  Where do I begin?  How do I express the level of absolute unworthiness that I possess for the task ahead?   Blessings are just blessings.  Grace is getting what I don’t deserve.  God provides and is faithful to even their most rebellious children.  But it’s so difficult to understand. 

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All my life, I’ve been told that I’ll never do anything with an English degree.

Them: You know that degree is useless without a teaching certificate, right?

Me: Well, I don’t think public education is for me…

Them: Oh, so you wanna be a starving artist, eh?

Me: *nervous laughter* Um, no, I actually really like food.

Them: So what are you gonna do with that degree?

Me: Use it to fan myself while I lay on the beaches of Mexico, sipping a margarita, I suppose. (??)

I’m not sure why, but I feel the need to prove myself.  To myself.  Does that even make sense?  People talk about dreams as if dreams are meant to stay dreams forever.  Dreams are part of identity.  Yet here I am, my dream about to become a reality, and suddenly I doubt my identity.  Do I possess the skill set that they require?  Do I really have any talent in this area?  What if I get there and I hate it?

I want to stand as close to the edge as I can without going over.  Out on the edge you see all the kinds of things you can’t see from the center. ~Kurt Vonnegut

I’m not doing this for my parents.  God knows they would rather I stay home, tucked neatly away in some quaint Chicago suburb for the rest of my life, content with a mediocre 9-5 job, a bland Christian husband (who will materialize out of thin air), and a decidedly middle-class life.  It may sound like I’m bashing that life.  I’m not.  That’s how I grew up.  That’s the life I’ve always known.  The predictable, average, run-of-the-mill, ever-unremarkable life with which many people are content. 

And someday I will be content with that.  But not today.  Not now.  Not at this age, this time, this me. This Kristin is not going to live in the center.  How can I?  I crave the unseen life.  I want to see things from the edge. 

There is so much of this world that I haven’t experienced.  I hate to sound like a naive, restless young person.  And maybe that is all that I am.  Maybe I will leave next fall and come back a completely changed person in the summer.  Maybe I will go and come back and feel that it was a waste.  I don't know.  But part of the thrill lies in the mystery.  I don't know what I'm meant to do in this life.  God has not yet revealed that to me.  But it's getting clearer and clearer every day.  

Here's what I know: God has picked this path for me travel.  And so I will travel with a willing and thankful heart, a joyful song in my head, and an open mind.