Today at church...

Let me start this post by saying that it is such a blessing to be in God’s house every Sunday.  I’ve been doing this church thing for roughly 21 years.  Days like today remind me of the primary reason I attend church – to receive teaching, admonishing, and encouragement. 

This morning I was blessed by an incredibly powerful message from one of my favorite speakers.  Pastor Steve has been a role model for me since high school.  From NXT worship services, to the summer IDT program (Intense Discipleship Training), to the adult church services, I have always looked up to him and admired his dedication to youth ministry and his remarkable authenticity.  He is truly a great example of a man of God.  Perhaps unbeknown to him, he helped me through a lot of faith issues from my high school years. 

Last November, Steve’s beloved wife Jess died unexpectedly.  And it broke him apart.  And today was his first time back in the pulpit since her tragic death.  He gave the most personal message I've ever heard a pastor preach.  And I can’t stop thinking about it.

Everyone  who has ever critiqued Christianity wonders why bad things happen in a world that is supposedly created by an all-powerful, all-loving God.  “Why does a good God allow bad things to happen?”  The question has haunted many great theologians and thinkers, including C.S. Lewis, who wrote about it extensively in his brilliant books The Problem of Pain and A Grief Observed, the latter of which was written in the wake of his own wife’s death.

So much has been said on this topic already.  So why did Steve’s message speak to me today in such an incredible way?  He said several things in particular that struck me.  I will do my best to reiterate these things here, but I doubt they will be as profoundly impactful coming from my mouth instead of his. 

A true believer in God does not doubt His existence in times of extreme suffering, but doubts His character.  As C.S. Lewis notes in A Grief Observed, suffering does not cause him to doubt God’s existence, “So there’s no God after all,” but instead causes him to think “So this is what God’s really like. Deceive yourself no longer.”

Steve identified with this mindset and very freely spoke about his doubts.  Furthermore, he openly admitted that he considered atheism because he was mad at God.  However, he came to the sudden realization that atheism is too tidy a way to view the world.  If there is no God, and everything is random and arbitrary, then ultimately all of Steve’s life with Jess and their precious relationship would be meaningless and arbitrary.  Completely accidental.  How could that possibly be?

At one point in late January, Steve wrote that his relationship with the living God had become something incredibly terrifying.  He felt he had experienced God in a way that many people have not, and he felt he desperately needed to warn people that God isn’t what they expect.  This shocked me at first, especially to hear this coming from a youth pastor, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized it’s true.  The church has to stop hiding from the real God.  It’s not all about blessings and angels and heaven.  It’s about pain and suffering and agony. 

Pastor Steve then used a great metaphor that I have never heard any pastor use before.  He asked us why we celebrate Good Friday.  Well, why DO we celebrate it?  Isn’t it just part of the passion?  Jesus dies.  We aren’t really happy about that, are we?  It’s just kind of a set up for Easter, right?  So we can make Easter that much more... awesome...?

Nothing could be further from the truth.  Now here’s the cool metaphor he spoke about:  We live in a “Good Friday world.”  And as Christians, we are an “Easter people”.  We have the incredible hope of the risen Savior in one hand, and the great sorrow of the world in the other.  This is the great paradox of salvation.  Suffering and Hope live together!  The only way for Hope to come is through Suffering.  The anguish of the cross demonstrates that no suffering goes unnoticed in this world.  Ultimately, we have the promise that sorrow and pain will not consume us.  But a life in Christ is not devoid of pain.  He gives and takes away, sometimes in a very literal way.  And no one can even pretend to comprehend why He does what He does.

Steve also stressed that God is not bound by our expectations of Him.  He functions on His own terms.  It will seem like God has betrayed us if we believe in a God who acts on OUR terms.   But if we believe in a God who acts on HIS terms, He never fails us.  Did that just blow your mind?  Because it blew mine.  The fact that a grief-stricken, heart-broken pastor filled with anger and doubt and unbelievable sorrow came to this conclusion before I did actually makes me want to cry in shame.  What strange and terrible things must happen to us before we realize the true character of God?! 

Steve ended with Psalm 116, a favorite of his.  He always recites this during communion.  There’s a verse in this passage that has special meaning to him now:

“Precious in the sight of the LORD is the death of his saints.”

The service ended on a melancholy note, which I really appreciate.  Steve’s life is not “all better.”  He is not completely whole.  He is not the same, and he never will be the same.  He lost something very precious to him.  I’m so glad my church does not pretend that everything is okay.  It’s not okay.  Something horrible happened and it will take many, many, months for Steve to go just one day without fighting to make it through.  And the same is true for all of our hardships in this life.  Endurance leads to hope, as Paul writes in Romans 5:3-5.  But hope ≠ optimism.  And it’s okay to admit that.

I’ll end with this quote which Steve used in his message today.  It really inspired me to think of God in a way I’ve never dared to think of Him before.  I hope it will continue to prompt me to reverent fear and worship.

“It is said of God that no one can behold his face and live. I always thought this meant that no one could see his splendor and live. A friend said perhaps it meant that no one could see his sorrow and live. Or perhaps his sorrow is splendor. ... Instead of explaining our suffering God shares it.”
― Nicholas Wolterstorff, Lament for a Son

Pretty Words and Images Make Depressing Poetry

"Parable of the Four-Poster" -- Erica Jong 

Because she wants to touch him,
she moves away.
Because she wants to talk to him,
she keeps silent.
Because she wants to kiss him,
she turns away
& kisses a man she does not want to kiss.

He watches
thinking she does not want him.
He listens
hearing her silence.
He turns away
thinking her distant
& kisses a girl he does not want to kiss.

They marry each other--
a four-way mistake.
He goes to bed with his wife
thinking of her.
She goes to bed with her husband
thinking of him.
--& all this in a real old-fashioned four-poster bed.

Do they live unhappily ever after?
Of course.
Do they undo their mistakes ever?
Never.
Who is the victim here?
Love is the victim.
Who is the villain?
Love that never dies.

A Sexist Food Item That Will Make You Laugh

Attention, ladies and gentlemen (or maybe just ladies, since this is clearly directed at women), take a look at this: "Hungry Girl Flatbread," folks.  And only 47-100 calories per serving - whatever that means.  Sexism is alive and well at your local Wal-Mart, which is where I picked up this delightful little snack especially for women.  Ladies, now you can eat a sandwich and not feel guilty about having all that bread.  With this great new product, you can use thin pieces of flatbread - which resemble cardboard in appearance and taste - to make yourself a "guilt-free" sandwich.  Because women should always be watching what they eat, right?  

You would never see a "Hungry Boy Flatbread" on the shelves of your supermarket because that's just silly.  Men don't need to diet or watch their weight.  Men are supposed to be big and bulky, right?  And women need to be little.  So why not create a brand of flatbread especially for women to aid us in our quest for thinness?  As if perfect, airbrushed models aren't enough of a "thinspiration."  

After purchasing this, I did a quick investigation to see if anyone else has noticed the blatant sexism of this item.  It seems that no one on the Internet has complained about the awful idea behind this product.  Am I the only one who is bothered by this?  What are girls going to think when they see this at the store while shopping with their mommies?  This is the kind of thing I would've bought into as middle/high school aged girl.  How incredibly damaging.  

I can hear what you're thinking, dear reader.  Isn't she being a bit dramatic?  Doesn't she realize this is just the name of a silly product and it doesn't really matter?  Some women want to be thin.  It's just a fact.  And this product is appealing to that specific group of women who are dieting.

Okay, fair enough.  I understand all that.  I really do.  But here's my beef:  In a culture that is so focused on thinness for women, we don't need products like this.  If this product were being marketed to men and women ("Skinny Flatbread" for example. Or countless other names that aren't gendered), I would have less of a problem with it.  Why do we need to gender products like this?  Eating healthy is something that everyone should be doing.  And it's not just the women who are looking for lower calorie options.  

Anyway, the stuff tastes horrible.  So next time you're in your local Wal-Mart, take a look in the bread section to see if "Hungry Girl Flatbread" is still there.  And if it is, just know you're better off buying whole grain bread. ;)